on my own again

So all day I sat here and waited for Pete to call, text, show up. Guess I was waiting for nothing. He broke up with me. I knew I shouldn't have let him get close to me again, but foolish me trusted him. After all he put me through I was still willing to give up everything and everyone to be with him. I swear I must be a glutton for punishment. I have never in my whole life been hurt so many times been one single person. I feel foolish and used and I should have known better. When a man uses you for months for sex and then runs when you get pregnant shouldn't that be a warning sign? I swear I will never learn. I'm waiting for the next few days to pass and to hear him say he wants to be back together, but I am going to do my best and stay strong. I will NOT answer his calls. I will NOT answer his texts. If he shows up at the house I just won't go to the door. I have to do this for myself. I know eventually I will have to deal with him since he is the father of my child, but I am going to be selfish and take my dear sweet time. I just am so mad at myself for letting it get this far. If I do cave and take him back I really hope no one will judge me. I can't help the fact that I am so in love with him it hurts and to look at my daughters face and only see her father doesn't help at all. I just wish I had people here to help me. I just feel very alone!

Christmas Wish List

So I was thinking about what I want for Christmas and decided to make a small list so that I would remember... LOL!

CAMERA

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The camera I have been using is an old, crappy Kodak that I really don't think has much life left in it. I want a cannon... not really sure what kind. I need to do more research and find out what kind is best, but I have ALWAYS heard good thing about Cannon cameras and I want something that is going to last me.

PHOTO EDITING SOFTWARE

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Right now all I use to edit my photos is the free online editing sites. They are ok and I can get some good effects to my photos, but I'm going to be greedy and say I want more... LOL! I love taking and editing photos and I would love to make them look as great as I possibly can!

WORKOUT DVD'S

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I really would like to get all toned back up and back in shape, but with being by myself with the kids most of the time while Pete works... I don't have time to join a gym or take a class. There are few DvDs I'd like to try... especially the ones where you exercise WITH the baby. We shall see!!!

CLOTHES

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After I had Kenley my sister gave me some of her jeans she wore after she had her daughter. Well some of them... I am happy to report... are WAAAAAY to big. I still wear them and will continue to... just going to get me a belt. I could really use some tops. Since I still have the "muffin top" effect going on... I am uncomfortable in a lot of my shirts and have continued wearing my maternity clothes. I HATE IT!

RIBBON

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I would LOVE more ribbon so I can make my Buggie some more bows. I have some ribbon still, but don't want to use the same stuff over and over again. I would love a TON of new ribbon... LOL!

Chicago!!!

Chicago ended up being a lot of fun. We didn't think it was going to be when we first got there, but it all turned around and we had fun. My legs/feet are REALLY sore today after all the walking we did, but it was all worth it.

I decided to drive on our way up there. It was early in the morning and usually that early I end up getting car sick. Up around the 200 mile marker they had these HUGE windmills for energy. It was AMAZING... I was in total awe. Of course Pete was being a butt during the drive... pestering me as much as he could. I'm glad he FINALLY took a small nap. LOL

We finally got to Chicago around 9 am. We had one HELL of a time finding somewhere to park, so we decided to park down at the Navy Pier since we knew that was one of the places we wanted to see. Of course it cost $24, but we knew going in it wasn't going to be cheap. Kenley had slept the whole way there, so by the time we had gotten there my boobies were KILLING me. We had also brought a bottle, so I told Pete to feed her that and I would be fine. We decided to go to the Field Museum first so we started to walk, while Pete fed her the bottle. It was about a 2 mile walk. After Pete had finished giving her the bottle I put on my Moby Wrap and carried Kenley since she was asleep. We went maybe a half a mile and I felt a letdown and my shirt was SOAKED!!! It went from my boob to the top of my pants... AHHHH!!! I went into the bathroom, stripped down to my nursing tank, threw my sweatshirt back on. I didn't want to put a new shirt on until my tank top had dried. I sat down and got Kenley to eat enough to relieve the engorgement and I felt better.

We finally made it to the museum, Pete carried her in the Snugli the rest of the way to let my shirt dry. Pete and I both really wanted to see the man eating lions of Tsavo, so we headed to the animal exhibit first. After we saw the lions Kenley needed to eat again... THANK GOD!!! I was so terrified that I was going to leak again that I decided to put daipers in my bra for extra protection... LOL! IT WORKED GREAT! I put Kenley back in her Moby and kept going. It felt kind of strange to be taking pictures of animals like it was a Zoo... LOL! After a little while Pete and I both started getting tired of the museum and decided to go. I wanted to see Soldiers Field since it was right behind the museum. We headed over there, took some pictures, and decided to head into the city.

The first thing I wanted to see was the Buckingham Fountain... it looked GORGEOUS when we passed it while we were driving. When we got there I noticed some limos and a wedding party. When we got closer I saw that it was 2 women in wedding gowns. They were taking wedding pictures. It was beautiful. Of course other people walking around were whispering about them being lesbians, but I thought it was wonderful to see 2 women so proud and in love. Made me smile. Kenley started fussing so I sat down on a bench to feed her. While I was there... a homeless man came up to ask a question. Once he realized I was breastfeeding he about hurt himself running away. It was hilarious. Its not like you could see what I was doing... I had my cover on... so I'm not really sure what bothered him so bad. Kenley finished and we had someone take a picture of the 3 of us in front of the fountain.

Next we wandered around downtown trying to find a place to eat. We walked all around. We didn't want to settle for Subway or McDonalds or anything that we could get back at home. We finally settled on Pizano's Pizza and Pasta. Pete got a meatball sandwich with fries and I got wings. Kenley was STILL sleeping in her Moby. Thank GOD for the Moby wrap... it was a LIFESAVER during our trip. Didn't want to use a stroller and have to push through people. Everyone kept commenting on Kenley's sparkly pink shoes... LOL! I think it's because that was really the only part of her you could see.

After dinner we got a taxi and headed back to the Navy Pier. We put the bags and such in the car and got the stroller out to give us both a break. I wanted to look in the gift shop since we hadn't bought anything yet to remember our trip. Of course I had to feed Kenley because she threw a fit, but I was finally able to look. I got a hoodie for myself(on sale... woo hoo), a city scape post card,  a shirt for Buggie, a shirt for Pete, a shirt for Aiden and a shot glass for my mom. We went back outside to the pier, took some pictures... then decided to head home.

Since I had driven all the way to Chicago.. Pete drove back. We were worried since Kenley had slept so much during the trip that once we got home she wasn't going to sleep. So I climbed into the backseat to get a nap so if she wouldn't sleep at least ONE of us would be rested. Well while I was sleeping I guess Pete wasn't paying attention to signs and started driving towards Columbus, OH instead of Columbus, IN. Thank God he realized it before he had gone to far... LOL! We got home around midnight. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait until we plan our next little getaway!!!

my breaking point

I think I am almost to my breaking point in my relationship with Pete. I love him... I really do and I spent 9 months believing/hoping he would come back. Now I wish he hadn't. I have tried for 3 months now to get over what happened between us and be happy and I'm just not. I don't trust him, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, I don't feel appreciated/wanted/loved... I really don't feel much of anything.

He always calls me when he gets out of work. He gets out at 7 and we will usually talk on his way to his mom's house. Well tonight he texts me and says don't be mad, but I don't feel like talking right now, but I will call before bed. I texted him back and said no you won't... you will either forget or tell me you fell asleep. I feel like everything with him is excuse after excuse after excuse. There is always a reason for EVERYTHING. It seems like on the days he is supposed to come up here to see us, there's an excuse why he's not here at a certain time.

I don't trust him. I will say I am pretty sure he has someone else behind my back. He gets so offended when I bring it up and gets VERY defensive. If you're not doing anything... why would you get SOOOO defensive? I can't get it out of my head that he is doing things behind my back.

I think the reason I am holding on to him so hard is my whole pregnancy all I could think about was us being together and being a family. I fought so long and so hard to be with him that I feel like if I give up now I wasted my time. Like I said before... I DO love him, but I'm just not happy. I know I should talk to him about it, but I know he'll get mad and say I'm accusing him AGAIN of things he isn't doing and it won't work. I just need to think really hard about what I want to do... what is right for me and my kids!

3 months old

I can't believe my little girl is already 3 months old. I feel like I just had her... shoot I feel like I just found out I was pregnant. Time is just flying by... and I don't want it to. I'm thinking Kenley will more then likely be my last baby, so I am trying to enjoy all the "baby" things.

Looking at her... she doesn't even look like the same baby to me. She has just changed so much. From the day she was born I thought she was beautiful(I know I know... I am bias), but everyday she gets more and more gorgeous to me. I can not believe that I had this little girl. I guess mixing Pete and I's DNA worked out well... LOL! Even though I think she looks more like her daddy then me.

She is starting to really get her own little personality. She is such a little diva... LOL! She loves when mommy dresses her up and takes pictures... which is good because I refuse to stop... LOL! She is starting to become more independent too. I am able to leave her on her playmat or with some toys and she will entertain herself for a while... well longer then she used to. She is FINALLY interacting with her playmat. When we first got it she would just lay on it and stare at the toys and then us with a confused look. LOL! She moves around like crazy... hates to sit still... she gets that from me... LOL!

I can't believe my babygirl is already teething. I noticed the front teeth on the bottom are there... you can feel the bumps. AHHH!!! She is drooling like crazy and ALWAYS chewing on her hands. I know it could still be a while before they pop through, but to know they are ALREADY starting to come in is crazy to me. Aiden was behind on a lot, so this is all new to me. I'm proud of her, but it's also driving me crazy... LOL! I want my happy baby back!!! =]

T.V. TIME!!!

So I was sitting here thinking and I have a show to watch almost every single night... HOW SAD IS THAT!?! Here is my CURRENT list(sucks some of my favorites are over for a while... BOO!!!)!!!



Sunday- football!!!! and sometimes Boardwalk Empire if Pete is over.
Monday- Dancing with the Stars
Tuesday- Dancing with the Stars result show, Teen Mom, Bad Girls Club
Wednesday- Americas Next top Model, Dog the Bounty Hunter
Thursday- Project Runway, (sometimes)Jersey Shore
Friday- Locked Up
Saturday- Usually movie day, but sometimes Locked Up at night.


Like I said... how sad is it I have a SPECIFIC show every day/night... minus Friday and Saturday. I need a LIFE!!!

the great Halloween costume debate....

Orginally I had wanted to dress the kids as Raggedy Ann and Andy for Halloween. Mom had a doll that had a Ann costume and it fit Kenley. We couldn't find Andy in any stores so we would have to order it. I'm worried about ordering online for Aiden's clothes. Sometimes things fit great and other times its a DISASTER!!!! I didn't want to get the costume, it not fit, and then not have enough time to send it back and get a new one. With Kenley I'm afraid the costume won't fit by the end of this month and I sort of don't want to do Ann without an Andy.

I haven't been looking really hard for costumes for Kenley. Seeing as she will only be 3 and 1/2 months come Halloween... if I don't dress her up... I won't be heartbroken. I really only wanted to for some pictures.. LOL! If I do decide to dress her up, I was telling Pete I wanted some kind of bug.... lady bug, butterfly, bee, etc... since my nickname for her is Buggie. I'm thinking I'm going to look at Wal Mart and buy something not too expensive since she will more then likely be laying in the stroller covered up since I am sure it will be cold. Like I said though... I'm not even sure I'll dress her up. I think Pete wants me to more then me.

I asked Aiden what he wanted to be for Halloween and orginally he told me Aiden. LOL! DORK!!! Well the next time I asked he said a doctor and then he said Army man. Since then he has consistently said doctor. I know it will be easy to find a doctor costume, but I know Aiden. I will get it and then he will whine and want something else. He is only 2 so I could get pretty much whatever I want and dress him in it, but I would also like him to be able to be what he wants... so I'm thinking doctor it is.

This shouldn't be so hard when my kids are only 2 and 3 months!!! LOL