life is good =]

Things in my life are FINALLY starting to go good.

First, the kids are FINALLY starting to feel better. Aiden is down in KY with his daddy and his cold (from what I've been told) is basically gone. Kenley... after a LONG night in the ER Friday is feeling better. THANK GOD she didn't have anything to serious and it has basically gone away on it's own. I HATE when my children are sick. I just feel like there is nothing I can do to make them feel better and it breaks my heart. It has been a long week of puking, crying, boogers, fever, etc... and I am SO glad it's ALMOST over. Hopefully I won't catch what everyone else had/has (KNOCK ON WOOD/FINGERS CROSSED).

Things with Pete are getting better and better everyday. He got a job this past week. It had been really causing him a lot of stress, which led to him being EXTREMELY grouchy, which led to us fighting. He works hard, but seems so much happier... which makes me happy. I hate that he works basically all day, Monday through Friday, but I'm getting past it. We are still working out the "kinks" in our relationship, but we are BOTH letting go of things that happened in the past and moving forward the best we can. We've had a few REALLY good LONG talks and I feel so much better about things. I hope everything can continue to go the way they have been. We both just need to remember to communicate with each other, which is something NEITHER of us have been very good at. Pete even told me he loved me for the first time!!! =] I know that we might have done this all a little backwards (baby first, then relationship, then love), but everything is falling into place and I am SO happy.

I've finally been able to spend time with a friend... which I have REALLY been needing. It's soooo nice to be able to go over to Shawna's and sit around and talk to someone that understands what I am going through. Not that I haven't enjoyed talking to the people I have met while I was pregnant, but it's just not the same. THANKS SHAWNA!

I'm finally starting to think things in my life might NOT be going all to hell and I am one HAPPY HAPPY girl!!! =]

Aiden leaves tomorrow!!! =[

Aiden's going to his daddy's tomorrow and will be gone for 9 whole days. LOL! I know it's not that long, but I always miss him. It will be a nice break though... I can't lie. PLUS, my mom has surgery on the 31st and Aiden likes to jump on her all the time... so it's good timing. I go pick him up on the 5th before our family reunion. I know he will be well taken care of... he has a GREAT daddy, but I will just miss my little booger!

I don't get it.

I don't understand how you can hurt someone so much that you claim to care about? How can you see/listen to me cry and not give a damn? How can you insult me and call me names... then yell when I get upset? I am soooo confused it's not even funny. You claim to want to be with me, but the minute things don't go your way start throwing a fit(literally). I have 2 kids and I really don't need a third. Stop claiming you want to be with me and a few days later tell me it's not going to work out. What have I done to you that's so bad? I changed my life to have your little girl. I let you come around whenever you feel like it. I basically let you walk all over me and it's STILL not good enough. Will I EVER be good enough for you or should I just stop trying and walk away?

I must not have strong DNA!

Everyone keeps telling me how much my kids look like their dads... so I wanted to compare pictures to see what I thought. I must say that I AGREE!!! The only thing I see in common in these pictures are our lips and noses. SO SAD! I knew Aiden looked JUST like Justin, but I was hoping Kenley wouldn't look like Pete. NO SUCH LUCK! Oh well... my DNA is just not strong in looks, but boy do they act like me!!!

=]

just so frustrated!!!

     Aiden started getting sick on Thursday night while Pete was here... so he was well aware he wasn't feeling good. By Friday Kenley was starting to get sick to and Pete was leaving. I knew he had to go up to Indy with his mom and would be gone all weekend. I asked him if Monday he would come by and help out because I was BEYOND exhausted and Kenley is his responsibility too. PLUS... I feel like I'm catching whatever it is the kids have and being able to take even a minute to myself would be GREAT!!! WELL GO EFFIN FIGURE... he isn't here and I his phone is off and I can't get a hold of him. I can't lie... I AM MAD! I'm sure later on I will get some stupid excuse and he'll try and make me feel bad for being mad, but what does he expect? I am tired. Dealing with one sick child is bad enough... but 2 AND I'm not feeling well... come on now. I understand they just have colds, but Kenley will not let me put her down and Aiden wants to be held and I can't do both when I am home alone. Plus I told him Kenley needs baby wipes and I really don't want to load up the kids in the car to run to the store and MORE GERMS!!! UGH!!! I swear if he doesn't show up AT ALL today... things will get ugly!

Kenley's COMPLETE birth story!!! Better late then never!!!

I was sitting here thinking that not everyone has heard Kenley's entire birth story... and since I have a ton of time right now since both little one's don't feel good... I'm going to write it out. ENJOY!!!

Friday July 9th I had my 37 week appointment with my doctor. The week before I was at 3cm dialated, so I was really hoping for some more progress since I had been walking like a mad woman. Well progress was there... I was now at 4cm dialated and he said the baby was VERY low. He made sure to put it in my brain that I could still go a few more weeks since I wasn't really having contractions. He also reminded me that he was going out of town that weekend so if I DID happen to go into labor I would get the on call doctor. Since I wasn't really worried about going into labor that day... I kept my promise to Justin and brought Aiden to Louisville so Aiden could spend the weekend with his dad.... who knew it would be GREAT timing.

The next day I woke up not feeling right. I didn't feel sick just something didn't feel right. It was my dad's cousins wedding later that day, so I took it easy and lounged around. About 5pm I got up and started getting ready for the wedding. I started to notice that the contractions I were having were getting closer together and stronger... for most of the day I had thought they were just the Braxton Hicks. I didn't think anything of it and finished getting ready. About 6pm I told my mom about the contractions and she started helping me time them. At that point they were about 5-10 minutes apart and kept varying. I knew the hospital wanted them consistent so we continued to time them through the whole wedding ceremony. After the ceremony we walked over to the reception. I had heard that if they are false contractions they will stop when you move around... and mine didn't. I went to the reception and timed them. I got up to talk to my cousin and at that point stopped timing them so closely, but still noticed that they weren't going away. My mom thought I was lying about them since I was laughing and joking around with people. BOY WAS SHE WRONG!!! At 7pm my mom put a call in to Labor and Delievery and they told me to take Tylenol, lay down and call back in a hour if they didn't go away. We went home around 8pm and they still hadn't gone away. I changed into my pajamas and called back up to L & D. They told me to come in and be checked so off me and mom went to the hospital. I figured they were going to send me home so I didn't even bring my hospital bag... bad move!!!

We got to the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors and THANK GOD the contractions were showing up... I had a strange fear that they wouldn't and I would look like an idiot. My blood pressure was also up a little, but I thought it was from the pain of the contractions. My labor nurse Jamie came in and checked me and said I was a good 4 cm. With every contraction Kenley's heartbeat would drop... as low as 80 at one point... so Jamie went and called the on call doctor..(not the one I hated thank God). She came back and told me that they were going to keep me overnight to monitor Kenley's heartbeat and if her heart beat stayed stable they would induce me in the morning. If her heartbeat kept dropping, the doctor would come in during the night to start inducing. YAY... baby would be coming. Through all of this I was in triage so Jamie asked if I was ok to walk to an actual room and I said I was fine. So around 11:15pm I walked down the hall to a room. I noticed that my contractions were getting stronger and I was thinking my plan to go med free was about to fly out the window. I got into the bed in the room and Jamie got the monitors hooked back up and my IV in. She had me turn onto my side to try and help with Kenley's heartbeat. At this point my contractions were getting intense and I couldn't feel a break between them. I was in so much pain and crying and telling my mom I couldn't do this. Jamie told me after my next contraction she would check me and see if I had progressed anymore. At that point I felt like my water had broken and all of a sudden got the urge to push. I rolled onto my back and Jamie went to check me. She grabbed the phone and said that I was complete. She told me not to push and to pant... there was no doctor there... AT ALL!!! A group of nurses rushed in and I couldn't stop the pushing anymore and Kenley flew out... literally... onto the bed. They had just enough time to grab my legs and pull them up, but not enough time to get the bed taken apart!!! It was insane. Kenley was born at 11:28pm weighing 6 pounds 1 ounce and was 19 inches long.

The doctor finally came in... only 9 minutes after she was called... she must have been speeding.. lol!!! She delievered the placenta and stitched me up. I was kind of upset that this point because I hadn't gotten to see Kenley yet and they had taken her out of the room and to the nursery because of her breathing and since she was cold. The baby bed/warmer thing wasn't on yet... MY BAD!!! I kept asking how she was and they just kept saying she was fine. FINALLY after 2 hours they brought her in to me. SHE WAS PERFECT!!! I just couldn't believe all the hair she had. Jamie came back in to help us with breastfeeding since I had NO idea what I was doing. Kenley latched like a PRO!!!

Everything was great. My blood pressure stayed up for a while and they even had to insert a catheter to get urine to get a clean sample. NO BUENO!!! Luckily it all came back fine. The only bad thing was Kenley had developed Jaundice and had to be on a biliblanket. Pete came up to see her and stayed with us the whole day until we were released from the hospital. Finally on July 12th around 6pm we were allowed to go home.

Things have been great since. We had a bout with Thrush, but got through it. Breastfeeding is going well... Kenley is growing well.... its great. MINUS the fact that both kiddos aren't feeling the greatest today. I just can't believe that it has been 6 weeks... my little bug is 6 weeks old. Here is a picture of her today at 6 weeks, boy has she changed!!!

=]

My poor babies!!!

     Today was a HORRIBLE day. Around 2 am I woke up to Aiden crying and pulling on my leg. When I turned the light on he just puked ALLLLLLL over the floor... well mostly Pete's clothes. He had already gotten sick all over his bed too. I grabbed him and ran into the bathroom... which of course... he puked all over my pants on the way there, but better then the floor. I had him stand in front of the toilet for a few minutes to make sure he wasn't going to get sick again... which he didn't. My mom had heard him crying and came to see what was wrong. Aiden had puke all over him too, so I put him in the tub... plus I was told it helps bring temperatures down and he was burning up. During this time, mom got all the clothes(Aiden's and Pete's) and the blankets and put them in the washing machine and Pete started cleaning Aiden's mattress and the floor. Thank God for Pete... the smell was about to kill me!!! Aiden was sooo upset and thought he was in trouble... poor boy. I got him all cleaned up and back in bed and I thought all was well.
     When he got up this morning he was clearly feeling better, but was still running a slight temperature... so I continued to give him meds to keep his fever down. For most of the morning he just cuddled in bed with us... which I didn't mind. After his nap he seemed more like himself and was running around the house playing. Kenley on the other hand was being VERY fussy... very unlike herself. We couldn't put her down AT all and she was spitting up almost EVERYTHING she was taking in. I was getting soooo frustrated. She started to get very warm, but seemed fine as long as I held her. Her temperature is only 99.6, so for now I am keeping an eye on her and PRAYING I don't have to take her in. Pete had to get going so I am sitting her alone with the 2 of them. They are BOTH finally asleep, but I am afraid it won't last long. I hope tomorrow is a better day... I'M EXHAUSTED!!!

SOOOO HAPPY!!!

I've finally come to the conclusion that there is NO way I can please everyone around me and still be happy myself... so I'm done. I am going to solely focus on myself and my kids and if others don't want to be happy for me... then so be it. That being said... me and Pete have OFFICALLY decided to try and make a relationship work together. NO... we are not doing this ONLY for the fact that we had a child together(I will not be with someone for that fact alone). We are doing this because it is what we BOTH want. We want to be together.... it's not  a bad thing. YES... I understand a lot of things happened during my pregnancy... lots of hurtful things, but I can't change the past. I have to be able to move past it. It happened to ME and if I am willing to forgive and move past, then others should do the same. These last few weeks since Kenley was born have been very up and down emotionally for me, but things are settling in and I am BEYOND happy. My son has a great dad that loves him and would do anything for him. My daughter has the father I NEVER thought she would have. I have the boyfriend I wanted from the day I met him. LIFE IS GOING GOOD!!! If people don't want to be happy for me... then so be it, but don't try and rain on my parade. If this all comes back to blow up in my face... so be it, but for right now I am very happy and would like to keep it that way!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

I'm getting EXTREMELY frustrated with a certain someone named Pete. He needs to grow up and stop making me and my daughter in after thought. He REALLY needs to stop making promises to my son. You can't tell a 2 year old something and then not follow through... he doesn't understand and then MOMMY has to fix it. EXAMPLE: today he called and said he had to come up to Columbus for something so he was going to come by and see us before he had to get his mom from work.Great.... I had a long night with Kenley and having Aiden out of my hair for a little bit was VERY needed. Well I ran into town to visit my mom until he got here. Well as soon as I pull into Marsh, Pete calls again. He said his mom got off work early, but if I wanted to bring the kids down to his house so Aiden could go swimming I could. Still great... still got a little time to relax with Aiden occupied. Then he texts me and says he is going to his family's house for dinner. This is where I got mad. I had to tell my son he couldn't go swimming and of course he burst into tears and I looked like the bad guy... AGAIN!!! I'm so over it. It's time to realize you now have a child and you NEED TO HELP ME take care of her. I understand I am breastfeeding so I HAVE to get up with her to feed her, BUT when she's not eating I could use some relaxing. He just doesn't get it. He thinks coming around when he feels like it is help and it's really not. I'm so over it. I want to just throw in the towel and tell him to leave us alone, but I know he'll end up making me feel like a huge bitch and I'll go back on it. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AND OF COURSE... as I type this Kenley is really fussy and I just want to cry!!! FML!!!

I love being a mommy!!!

I'm just sitting here on my bed, watching Aiden play and Kenley is laying next to me squirming around. All I can think about is how I couldn't imagine my life without them. Yes.... there are times that I am exhausted and frustrated, but it's my life. I've traded weekends out for weekends in with my little loves and I woudn't trade it for the world. Maybe my life didn't turn out exactly like I had planned, but how can I complain? Look at the beautiful babies life has given me. They are perfect in their own ways and (I may be bias) the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. I feel blessed every day that they are mine. I have loved watching Aiden grow and change the last few years and I am excited to continue to watch him. Kenley has already changed so much in just a month and I know over the next few months/years... she will continue to change so much. I know I am young and a lot of people wouldn't want this life, but I LOVE this life and I LOVE my kids and I wouldn't want it any other way!!!

GOTTA LOVE A GOOD DEAL!!!

Mom bought me this baby carrier at Target today for $6.28. GOOD DEAL.... esepecially when it's normally between $25-$30. I never thought I would use a babuy carrier, tried with Aiden and he hated how his legs just kind of hung there and he would SPAZ, but for that price I figured it was worth a try. I put it on and put Miss Kenley in it and she didn't seem to mind it at all and the carrier itself was pretty comfy. YAY!!! I'm actually kind of excited to try it somewhere. I have a stroller and all, but it's a big Sit 'N' Stand and it will be nice to have something for just Kenley when Aiden is with his daddy. Plus, being able to carry her and still be able to use my hands is a HUGE plus!!! YAY!!!

Sometimes I feel so alone!!!

I know that I can't have someone with me 24/7, but there are days that I just feel extremely alone!!! I feel like when I got pregnant most people just disappeared and no one really gave a damn... Pete included. Now some people are coming around, but I am kind of annoyed that they weren't there for me for 9 months that I don't really have a strong urge to spend time with them now. The people I was the closest to during my pregnancy were the girls I met on the What To Expect forums. THANK GOD FOR THEM!!! I still talk to many of them and would lose my mind without having them to talk to. I wish some of them lived closer to me so I would have someone to spend time with. I hate sitting at home alone all day with 2 kids and no adult conversation ANYWHERE!!! I need more civilized conversations and not the ones where I have to try and figure out what is being said... gotta love 2 year olds!!!

Me and Pete have not had a fight in  a week... which is great for us. I know to most people that isn't long at all, but for me and him thats like a lifetime. I know most people do not agree that I should even come close to giving him a second chance, but its my life and my decision. If it goes bad again the I have no one to blame but myself. Things are going good right now... dont rain on my parade. I just wish he would realize I need him here more and make more of an effort, but I am trying to be patient and let things happen as they may.

On a totally seperate note... I wish it would stop being so dang hot so I could take the kiddos up to the state fair. I know there isn't much there that they could do, but I love the FOOD!!! Maybe I can convince someone to go up there with me next week... HMMMMM!!!

SORRY I'VE BEEN M.I.A.

     So I know I have no been on here in FOREVER to post a new blog. Aiden DESTROYED my computer cord and since I only have a laptop it is dead. BOOO!!!! Dad said he would order me a new one tomorrow so I promise I will be back to my semi daily posts... HOPEFULLY!!!
     Nothing is really new I guess. Mom traded my VW Bug in to buy herself a brand new Mustang. It's not all bad though... I got her Cobalt which is GREAT. It's a 4 door car which I desperately needed. A 2 door car, with 2 kids just wasn't working out so well. I will miss the Bug... especially the covertible part, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
     Aiden has hit the terrible 2's with VEGENCE!!! It has gotten worse in the last few weeks since Kenley has been born. He will NOT listen to me at all... especially when it's just the 3 of us at home. He acts up the most when I am feeding Kenley because he knows I can not go after him. I am staying strong and doing my best and I REALLY hope it gets better soon, but who knows. At least he is good with his sister. He even told me he likes her the other day.... LOL! He said he doesn't love her yet though... LOL!!! 2 year old minds kill me.
     Kenley turned 1 month today. I can't believe it. I know it's not that long, but I feel like just yesterday I was finding out I was pregnant. I swear... when you don't expect it, time goes WAY to fast. Wish it would have gone this fast when I was pregnant and waiting to meet my beautiful little woman. I can't believe she has changed so much in just a month. She is getting chunky and I absolutely LOVE it. I love kissing those chubby cheeks of hers!!! =]
     Things with Pete have been VERY up and down... more up this past week. I feel like I just can't get over how he treated me during my pregnancy, no matter how hard I try. He has apologized and showed me that he can be VERY helpful, but I just feel like it's not enough. I am doing my best not to fight with him and things have been on the up's. LOL! He is great with BOTH Aiden and Kenley, so I guess I shouldn't complain. Aiden ADORES him too. Makes me somewhat happy... most of the time. I just hope I can get past all this so maybe me and him can have a future. We both want to try and make this work (I don't care what anyone says), but all I can think of is him walking away again. I need to just take things day by day. It isn't helping that I don't fully trust him yet and he doesn't have a cell right now. He was supposed to give me his house number, but didn't/forgot... so I have NO way to get ahold of him. PLUS... he hasn't called to check on us, which isn't like him. We had a great weekend and now nothing, so OF COURSE... my mind starts to go HAY WIRE. I'll never change in that aspect.
     I am so ready to be able to fit in my "normal" clothes again. Most of the clothes I have been wearing the last month are my maternity clothes(some normal shirts), but I want to wear "normal" jeans. I tried a pair of shorts on... but it wasn't happening. I know I may never be that size again, but it's getting me down since I don't have the money to buy any clothes and HAVE to stay in maternity clothes. I REALLY hope at my 6 week appointment my dr says all is well and I can start to exercise. I ended up SMALLER after Aiden so I think I am expecting that to happen again... even though I'm not sure it will. I gained MORE weight with Kenley then I did with Bub.
     Well that's all I have for now. Hopefully it won't take to long for my new computer cord to come in and I can post again soon. Or maybe when my dad goes to bed/isn't home, I'll use his computer and post again. You know how quickly things can change with 2 youngins!!! =]

UGH!!! I hate rude people!!!

Today I went to Babies R Us... had to get the kids diapers. Well Kenley started to get fussy so I took her out of her carseat and she started to root and cry harder when she couldn't latch on to me. I knew the store had a "mother's room" so I had Caleb watch Aiden and I took Kenley to feed her. When I got back there, 2 women were in there changing a babies diaper. I didnt say anything thinking they were either about to feed the baby or had just finished. I walked around for a few minutes and went back to the room. One of the ladies was sitting on a couch bottle feeding the baby in the room. I politely asked if she minded if I used the room to breastfeed my daughter... who at this point was SPAZING OUT!!! The woman looked at me and said it was gross to breastfeed and she wasnt getting up or sharing the room with me.... I'd have to wait. There is a bench right outside the room that she could have sat on to BOTTLE feed the baby... she didnt need a room with a door to have privacy. I WAS LIVID, but didn't want to even humor her with a response. I'm still not 100% comfortable breastfeeding in public so I found Caleb and told him I was going to the car to feed Kenley. THE NERVE OF THAT LADY!!! I'm still angry about it.

Where do I go from here?

Since I had Kenley, Pete has been coming around and helping out with her and Aiden. He has been pushing really hard for me and him to work things out with each other, but I don't know how. Part of me wants to... we do have a daughter together and I do still care for him, but he left me when I found out I was pregnant. He says he was scared and we hadnt been together long, which is true... but is not an excuse. We fight all the time... even when we arent together. I know most of the fighting is me not being able to get past him leaving us and I'm not sure I ever will be able to. Where to I go from here? How do I decide if working it out with him is worth it? I know if we ever did get back together it would take time and I guess we are "kinda" together now, but I dont know what to do anymore.... and I dont need the added stress!

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!

Hey everyone. I figured I have A LOT of extra time on my hands when the kiddies are playing/sleeping and a lot of people to keep up with so they can get Aiden and Kenley updates, so I am starting a blog. I dont know how often I will post, or if anyone will read it for that matter... LOL, but this is something for me. There's a lot going on now in my life with a 2 year old and a new baby... never a dull moment for me. PLUS.. a lot of changes in MY personal life. Hope you all will follow along and enjoy reading about my life!