I'm sick of it!!!

I don't know how to be strong anymore. I am sick of being told it's all in my head. I am sick of being told I am over reacting. I'm sick of being told everything is my fault. I don't understand how someone can claim to love someone so much, but make them feel so insignificant. I do not believe anything is happening behind my back, but I DO feel like there are some things I do not know. I'm sick of feeling like I am crazy. I'm sick of being the one who has to deal with ALL of the responibility alone. I love my kids, but there are times I wish I could some and go as I please. I feel like I never get a break or even a few minutes to myself anymore. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of loving someone so much that it hurts, but not feeling even HALF of that love back. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am just sick of it all!

it's ALWAYS something

Why is it when I think things are FINALLY going great... they start to roll down hill again? I really thought Pete and I had gotten past all our major issues and now here they are... popping back up. I am so sick of the back and shit BULLSHIT that always seems to creep up. Of course... I will be blamed and I will be told I am overreacting, but it's really not all me. I am sick of being told how much me and Kenley are missed, but then when there is time to spend time with us... something just happens to "pop" up. Seeing as he didn't see us today and he won't see us tomorrow... it'll be over a week until he does. I don't know how anyone can go a week without seeing their child when they only live a few miles away. Regardless of the situation.. I would go out of my way to see my kids... even if it was only for a few hours. Sorry about bitching... I really just needed to get that off my chest. I could say more, but I think it'll just make me more mad!

I'm still alive!!!! hehe =]

I seem to never find the time to get on here and update my blog. I need to get on the ball more, but I HATE pulling the computer out, LOL! I usually just get on the net from my phone while I am nursing Kenley... I know, I'm such a bum.

Pete and I are doing great. We had a horrible fight the other night and I didn't know if we would get past it, but he finally sat still and let me EXPLAIN what I was trying to say and he understood. Our biggest problem is we are BOTH very hardheaded and don't want to shut up long enough to let the other person explain what they mean. We are getting better with things though. I feel bad that Christmas is coming up and he got me a nice camera(I was with him when he got it because we found it on sale on Black Friday. I just can't have it until Christmas) and I can't afford to really get him anything. We'll see what happens though... I do have some money coming in so maybe I will be able to splurge a little bit for him and the kids.

Kenley is getting so big. It seems like she does something new everyday. She already has 2 teeth and has 2 more coming in. MOST nights she sleeps through the night and if she wakes up at all... it's normally around 4 or 5 and she goes right back to sleep. She will sit with me and have conversations... I LOVE IT!!! She smiles and laughs all day long and smiles and everyone. She is such a happy little girl. I can't believe she is coming down on 5 months old... where has the time gone? I'm already starting to miss her being my tiny little bug.... Pete's afraid I'm going to want another one... LOL! She has made my life so complete and I thank God daily for her. She might have been a big surprise, but she is the 2nd greatest surprise I have ever been given(the 1st being her brother=]).

Aiden is changing everyday too. He is starting to talk GREAT and I can understand most of what he says.. LOL! He still speaks some of his gibberash(lol), but it's getting MUCH better. He is such a happy little boy too. The energy he has is insane!!! I would love to have an OUNCE of the energy that little man has. He is growing so much and somedays it feels like just yesterday I was giving birth, and here we are 2.5 years later. I can't wait for Christmas and too see his little face when he opens his presents and sees his dancing Mickey. I LOVE him and Kenley so much and I don't know what I would do without them. When all else fails, he will always be the most important "man" in my life.

I hope everyone else is doing great and I will do my best to keep this blog updated... LOL!

Dancing Mickey

A  few weeks ago, Aiden saw a commercial for the Dancing Mickey toy and he went CRAZY!!! For DAYS afterwards he kept telling me how much he NEEDED it... LOL! He has never responded to a toy on T.V. the way he did with Mickey, so I knew this was something I was going to have to find for him.

I thought finding this toy wouldn't be that hard. I saw it on a K-Mart commerical and again in Target and Toys-R-Us' ad.... so I figured I could get it anywhere. WRONG!!!

The first place we went was Wal-Mart... they have everything. LOL! We couldn't find it and didn't even see a spot on the shelf for it. I thought it was kind of strange, but really didn't think anything of it. Next we went to K-Mart. Once again they didn't have it and we didn't even see a place on the shelf for it. I really wasn't surprised. The K-Mart here is kind of crappy. We went to a new store in the mall called Toys-R-Us express, but once again... they didn't have it either. The man working said he wasn't sure if they ever had it or if it was sold out. He was a damn idiot. Next we went to Target since we had seen it in their ad. They didn't have one either. We did see the spot for it and the Dancing Mickey on dispay. My cousin Bryan works there, so we asked him about it and said they were a hot toy this season and they couldn't keep them in stock. He scanned the tag for me to see if any stores around here had one. He said there was one at Target up in Southport, but he assumed it wasn't right and the computer just hadn't updated. Southport is about 40 minutes away and it was already almost 9pm so I knew there was no way I could make it up there that night. He said they were getting a truck in that night and there might be some on it. He told me I could call in the morning and ask.

The next morning I set my alarm and decided to be at Target at 8am when they opened. Still none. I asked a lady stocking toys and she said they hadn't gotten any in. I was getting REALLY frustrated. STUPID TOY!!! lol. I ran out to the other Wal-Mart in town, but they didn't have it either. I told my mom if worse came to worse I could always go out on Black Friday, which I didn't want to do... but I knew they would more then likely have some then.

Later that day I asked if Pete wanted to run up to Target in Southport and Toys-R-Us to see if we could find it. We decided to check Target first since Bryan had said the computer said there was one. We got there and I wasn't expecting to find it. THEY HAD ONE!!! I ran over and grabbed it off the shelf. There was another lady trying to find it and got kind of shitty when I grabbed it, but I wasn't letting go. I put it in the car and told Pete to guard it with his life. I WAS SO EXCITED!!! I called my mom and told her I FINALLY found the damn thing. All that for ONE toy. I know how much Aiden wanted it though... so all the searching was well worth it. I can't wait to see his face on Christmas morning.


Sorry I haven't been blogging as much. Pete and I have been working hard on our relationship and things have been going great. No major fights in over 3 weeks. I am happier then ever. It's about time things looked up for me. HAPPY READING!

Halloween-ie

We had a lot of fun this year on Halloween. Aiden was a gorilla and Kenley went as a little baby cow. They both looked so cute.

We carved pumpkins first. That was an experience. Aiden wanted NOTHING to do with touching the insides of the pumpkin... he said it was yucky. LOL. Mom carved Aiden's pumpkin and I carved Kenley's. They didn't turn out perfect, but we free handed it, so I can't complain.

Thursday we went Trick or Treating at the nursing home where my grandpa stays. Aiden LOVED it... Kenley slept through it. All the residents LOVED all the kids in their costumes, but heck... I did too. Aiden AND Kenley got a ton of candy... most of which I'll get to eat... LOL!

Friday we went Trick or Treating up in Hope. It wasn't all that fun. I guess most people didn't know it was that day and though it was on Saturday, so not many people were handing out candy. Aiden got very upset and it broke my heart. I was supposed to take him to his dad on Sunday, but I called him Friday and said I was keeping him until Tuesday so I could take him Trick or Treating again on Sunday.

Sunday we went Trick or Treating in Columbus. We went with Pete and his family in a big housing addition thing. LOL! Aiden got tired really quickly so me, my mom and Pete took turns carrying him... which isn't easy seeing as he weighs 35lbs. LOL. He got quite a bit of candy so he was happy. That's all that mattered to me.

All in all... I think Buggie had a good first Halloween and I know Aiden had fun. I'm already looking forward to next Halloween. Kenley will be walking and it'll be a lot more fun!

on my own again

So all day I sat here and waited for Pete to call, text, show up. Guess I was waiting for nothing. He broke up with me. I knew I shouldn't have let him get close to me again, but foolish me trusted him. After all he put me through I was still willing to give up everything and everyone to be with him. I swear I must be a glutton for punishment. I have never in my whole life been hurt so many times been one single person. I feel foolish and used and I should have known better. When a man uses you for months for sex and then runs when you get pregnant shouldn't that be a warning sign? I swear I will never learn. I'm waiting for the next few days to pass and to hear him say he wants to be back together, but I am going to do my best and stay strong. I will NOT answer his calls. I will NOT answer his texts. If he shows up at the house I just won't go to the door. I have to do this for myself. I know eventually I will have to deal with him since he is the father of my child, but I am going to be selfish and take my dear sweet time. I just am so mad at myself for letting it get this far. If I do cave and take him back I really hope no one will judge me. I can't help the fact that I am so in love with him it hurts and to look at my daughters face and only see her father doesn't help at all. I just wish I had people here to help me. I just feel very alone!

Christmas Wish List

So I was thinking about what I want for Christmas and decided to make a small list so that I would remember... LOL!

CAMERA

|

The camera I have been using is an old, crappy Kodak that I really don't think has much life left in it. I want a cannon... not really sure what kind. I need to do more research and find out what kind is best, but I have ALWAYS heard good thing about Cannon cameras and I want something that is going to last me.

PHOTO EDITING SOFTWARE

|

Right now all I use to edit my photos is the free online editing sites. They are ok and I can get some good effects to my photos, but I'm going to be greedy and say I want more... LOL! I love taking and editing photos and I would love to make them look as great as I possibly can!

WORKOUT DVD'S

|

I really would like to get all toned back up and back in shape, but with being by myself with the kids most of the time while Pete works... I don't have time to join a gym or take a class. There are few DvDs I'd like to try... especially the ones where you exercise WITH the baby. We shall see!!!

CLOTHES

|

After I had Kenley my sister gave me some of her jeans she wore after she had her daughter. Well some of them... I am happy to report... are WAAAAAY to big. I still wear them and will continue to... just going to get me a belt. I could really use some tops. Since I still have the "muffin top" effect going on... I am uncomfortable in a lot of my shirts and have continued wearing my maternity clothes. I HATE IT!

RIBBON

|

I would LOVE more ribbon so I can make my Buggie some more bows. I have some ribbon still, but don't want to use the same stuff over and over again. I would love a TON of new ribbon... LOL!

Chicago!!!

Chicago ended up being a lot of fun. We didn't think it was going to be when we first got there, but it all turned around and we had fun. My legs/feet are REALLY sore today after all the walking we did, but it was all worth it.

I decided to drive on our way up there. It was early in the morning and usually that early I end up getting car sick. Up around the 200 mile marker they had these HUGE windmills for energy. It was AMAZING... I was in total awe. Of course Pete was being a butt during the drive... pestering me as much as he could. I'm glad he FINALLY took a small nap. LOL

We finally got to Chicago around 9 am. We had one HELL of a time finding somewhere to park, so we decided to park down at the Navy Pier since we knew that was one of the places we wanted to see. Of course it cost $24, but we knew going in it wasn't going to be cheap. Kenley had slept the whole way there, so by the time we had gotten there my boobies were KILLING me. We had also brought a bottle, so I told Pete to feed her that and I would be fine. We decided to go to the Field Museum first so we started to walk, while Pete fed her the bottle. It was about a 2 mile walk. After Pete had finished giving her the bottle I put on my Moby Wrap and carried Kenley since she was asleep. We went maybe a half a mile and I felt a letdown and my shirt was SOAKED!!! It went from my boob to the top of my pants... AHHHH!!! I went into the bathroom, stripped down to my nursing tank, threw my sweatshirt back on. I didn't want to put a new shirt on until my tank top had dried. I sat down and got Kenley to eat enough to relieve the engorgement and I felt better.

We finally made it to the museum, Pete carried her in the Snugli the rest of the way to let my shirt dry. Pete and I both really wanted to see the man eating lions of Tsavo, so we headed to the animal exhibit first. After we saw the lions Kenley needed to eat again... THANK GOD!!! I was so terrified that I was going to leak again that I decided to put daipers in my bra for extra protection... LOL! IT WORKED GREAT! I put Kenley back in her Moby and kept going. It felt kind of strange to be taking pictures of animals like it was a Zoo... LOL! After a little while Pete and I both started getting tired of the museum and decided to go. I wanted to see Soldiers Field since it was right behind the museum. We headed over there, took some pictures, and decided to head into the city.

The first thing I wanted to see was the Buckingham Fountain... it looked GORGEOUS when we passed it while we were driving. When we got there I noticed some limos and a wedding party. When we got closer I saw that it was 2 women in wedding gowns. They were taking wedding pictures. It was beautiful. Of course other people walking around were whispering about them being lesbians, but I thought it was wonderful to see 2 women so proud and in love. Made me smile. Kenley started fussing so I sat down on a bench to feed her. While I was there... a homeless man came up to ask a question. Once he realized I was breastfeeding he about hurt himself running away. It was hilarious. Its not like you could see what I was doing... I had my cover on... so I'm not really sure what bothered him so bad. Kenley finished and we had someone take a picture of the 3 of us in front of the fountain.

Next we wandered around downtown trying to find a place to eat. We walked all around. We didn't want to settle for Subway or McDonalds or anything that we could get back at home. We finally settled on Pizano's Pizza and Pasta. Pete got a meatball sandwich with fries and I got wings. Kenley was STILL sleeping in her Moby. Thank GOD for the Moby wrap... it was a LIFESAVER during our trip. Didn't want to use a stroller and have to push through people. Everyone kept commenting on Kenley's sparkly pink shoes... LOL! I think it's because that was really the only part of her you could see.

After dinner we got a taxi and headed back to the Navy Pier. We put the bags and such in the car and got the stroller out to give us both a break. I wanted to look in the gift shop since we hadn't bought anything yet to remember our trip. Of course I had to feed Kenley because she threw a fit, but I was finally able to look. I got a hoodie for myself(on sale... woo hoo), a city scape post card,  a shirt for Buggie, a shirt for Pete, a shirt for Aiden and a shot glass for my mom. We went back outside to the pier, took some pictures... then decided to head home.

Since I had driven all the way to Chicago.. Pete drove back. We were worried since Kenley had slept so much during the trip that once we got home she wasn't going to sleep. So I climbed into the backseat to get a nap so if she wouldn't sleep at least ONE of us would be rested. Well while I was sleeping I guess Pete wasn't paying attention to signs and started driving towards Columbus, OH instead of Columbus, IN. Thank God he realized it before he had gone to far... LOL! We got home around midnight. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait until we plan our next little getaway!!!

my breaking point

I think I am almost to my breaking point in my relationship with Pete. I love him... I really do and I spent 9 months believing/hoping he would come back. Now I wish he hadn't. I have tried for 3 months now to get over what happened between us and be happy and I'm just not. I don't trust him, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, I don't feel appreciated/wanted/loved... I really don't feel much of anything.

He always calls me when he gets out of work. He gets out at 7 and we will usually talk on his way to his mom's house. Well tonight he texts me and says don't be mad, but I don't feel like talking right now, but I will call before bed. I texted him back and said no you won't... you will either forget or tell me you fell asleep. I feel like everything with him is excuse after excuse after excuse. There is always a reason for EVERYTHING. It seems like on the days he is supposed to come up here to see us, there's an excuse why he's not here at a certain time.

I don't trust him. I will say I am pretty sure he has someone else behind my back. He gets so offended when I bring it up and gets VERY defensive. If you're not doing anything... why would you get SOOOO defensive? I can't get it out of my head that he is doing things behind my back.

I think the reason I am holding on to him so hard is my whole pregnancy all I could think about was us being together and being a family. I fought so long and so hard to be with him that I feel like if I give up now I wasted my time. Like I said before... I DO love him, but I'm just not happy. I know I should talk to him about it, but I know he'll get mad and say I'm accusing him AGAIN of things he isn't doing and it won't work. I just need to think really hard about what I want to do... what is right for me and my kids!

3 months old

I can't believe my little girl is already 3 months old. I feel like I just had her... shoot I feel like I just found out I was pregnant. Time is just flying by... and I don't want it to. I'm thinking Kenley will more then likely be my last baby, so I am trying to enjoy all the "baby" things.

Looking at her... she doesn't even look like the same baby to me. She has just changed so much. From the day she was born I thought she was beautiful(I know I know... I am bias), but everyday she gets more and more gorgeous to me. I can not believe that I had this little girl. I guess mixing Pete and I's DNA worked out well... LOL! Even though I think she looks more like her daddy then me.

She is starting to really get her own little personality. She is such a little diva... LOL! She loves when mommy dresses her up and takes pictures... which is good because I refuse to stop... LOL! She is starting to become more independent too. I am able to leave her on her playmat or with some toys and she will entertain herself for a while... well longer then she used to. She is FINALLY interacting with her playmat. When we first got it she would just lay on it and stare at the toys and then us with a confused look. LOL! She moves around like crazy... hates to sit still... she gets that from me... LOL!

I can't believe my babygirl is already teething. I noticed the front teeth on the bottom are there... you can feel the bumps. AHHH!!! She is drooling like crazy and ALWAYS chewing on her hands. I know it could still be a while before they pop through, but to know they are ALREADY starting to come in is crazy to me. Aiden was behind on a lot, so this is all new to me. I'm proud of her, but it's also driving me crazy... LOL! I want my happy baby back!!! =]

T.V. TIME!!!

So I was sitting here thinking and I have a show to watch almost every single night... HOW SAD IS THAT!?! Here is my CURRENT list(sucks some of my favorites are over for a while... BOO!!!)!!!



Sunday- football!!!! and sometimes Boardwalk Empire if Pete is over.
Monday- Dancing with the Stars
Tuesday- Dancing with the Stars result show, Teen Mom, Bad Girls Club
Wednesday- Americas Next top Model, Dog the Bounty Hunter
Thursday- Project Runway, (sometimes)Jersey Shore
Friday- Locked Up
Saturday- Usually movie day, but sometimes Locked Up at night.


Like I said... how sad is it I have a SPECIFIC show every day/night... minus Friday and Saturday. I need a LIFE!!!

the great Halloween costume debate....

Orginally I had wanted to dress the kids as Raggedy Ann and Andy for Halloween. Mom had a doll that had a Ann costume and it fit Kenley. We couldn't find Andy in any stores so we would have to order it. I'm worried about ordering online for Aiden's clothes. Sometimes things fit great and other times its a DISASTER!!!! I didn't want to get the costume, it not fit, and then not have enough time to send it back and get a new one. With Kenley I'm afraid the costume won't fit by the end of this month and I sort of don't want to do Ann without an Andy.

I haven't been looking really hard for costumes for Kenley. Seeing as she will only be 3 and 1/2 months come Halloween... if I don't dress her up... I won't be heartbroken. I really only wanted to for some pictures.. LOL! If I do decide to dress her up, I was telling Pete I wanted some kind of bug.... lady bug, butterfly, bee, etc... since my nickname for her is Buggie. I'm thinking I'm going to look at Wal Mart and buy something not too expensive since she will more then likely be laying in the stroller covered up since I am sure it will be cold. Like I said though... I'm not even sure I'll dress her up. I think Pete wants me to more then me.

I asked Aiden what he wanted to be for Halloween and orginally he told me Aiden. LOL! DORK!!! Well the next time I asked he said a doctor and then he said Army man. Since then he has consistently said doctor. I know it will be easy to find a doctor costume, but I know Aiden. I will get it and then he will whine and want something else. He is only 2 so I could get pretty much whatever I want and dress him in it, but I would also like him to be able to be what he wants... so I'm thinking doctor it is.

This shouldn't be so hard when my kids are only 2 and 3 months!!! LOL

Aiden's music (top 4 of the moment)

I must say... my 2 year old has some interesting taste in music. Here are his top 4 songs of the moment!!

"Bad Romance" - Lady Gaga: Aiden calls this song lala... LOL! He is in LOVE with her. We sat and watched her music videos one day and he didn't move the whole time. I don't know if I should be worried yet or not.

"I Got a Feeling" - The Black Eyed Peas: This song is call the woo hoo song... gotta love the mind of a 2 year old. He absolutely loves it and this is one of the few songs he will dance with me to.

"I Like It" - Enrique Iglesias: This one is refered to as baby I like it. MAN O MAN!!! He knows a lot of the words too. I am horrified. LOL!

"Telephone" - Lady Gaga: The telapone song as Aiden calls it. hehehehe. Like I said before... the kid is in LOVE with Lady Gaga.

This is the sad.... but TRUE list of my 2 year old sons current favorite songs... and we listen to the same 4 over and over and over. WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!

Aiden...

Aiden Bryan is my little man. I can not believe that he is already over 2 years old. I must admit that I am COMPLETELY glad that the pregnancy with him is over... it was horrible, but there are times I miss him being my little baby.

He was born June 15, 2008 weighing 6lbs. 9ozs. and was 19.5ins. long. Now at the age of 2 he is 33lbs and at least 3 feet tall... not sure on his height. I call him my little linebacker. He is getting bigger and bigger everyday and changing into such a big boy instead of my little baby.

When Aiden hit the terrible 2's... he hit them HARD and it didn't help anything that his sister was born almost exactly a month after he turned 2. I don't think he handled losing the only child status... LOL! In some ways I am glad I had a girl the 2nd time around... that way he is my only boy. There are days when I want to tear my hair out and I wish he would actually listen to me, but I ALWAYS love him no matter what. I swear... that child does NOT know his own strength. It is CRAZY! He's probably stronger then me!

Aiden is the SPITTING IMAGE of his daddy... it's INSANE! Justin couldn't deny that child if he wanted to... LOL! Everyday I look at Aiden... he gets more and more handsome. He has eyelashes that are soooo long I know grown woman that are jealous... not even kidding. I'm telling you... he is going to have the girls chasing him around when he gets older... LOL!

I can not believe I am the mother to 2 wonderful kids. My life has changed so much because of them and I wouldn't have it any other way! I have enjoyed watching them change/grow and I am sure I will continue to enjoy it... even if deep down it breaks my heart that they won't always be my little babies!!!

Kenley...

I can't believe how much Kenley has changed in the past 2 and half months. Time seems to be flying with absolutely no way of slowing it down... it's crazy. I feel like just yesterday I was finding out I was pregnant.

At birth Kenley weighed 6lbs. 1oz. and was 19ins. long. Today she is 11lbs. 2ozs. and 24ins. long. She's still a little peanut, but is gaining well and catching up to all the other babies.. lol. It's amazing how heavy she feels all of a sudden. I remember being able to hold her all day and my arms would never get tired. Now, I either have to hold her against my chest, switch arms quite a few times, or prop my arm up when I am holding her.... and carrying her carseat very far, FORGET IT! I'm glad she is growing, but part of me is sad and doesn't want my baby to grow up. I don't know if I will have anymore kids... so I am trying to enjoy the baby stage.

Kenley... to me... still looks a lot like her daddy, but I see more and more of me in her everyday(it's about time). She definately has my attitude and lack of patience... LOL! Everyday that I look at her I still can not believe that I made such a beautiful little girl. I know I am bias(what mother isn't), but I think Kenley is absolutely GORGEOUS! Who knew that combining me and Pete's DNA would be a good thing... haha.

She has finally started to interact with her playmat. When I first laid her on it she just stared at things and then would like at me like what now mom. LOL! She LOVES the bird in the middle that plays music and LOVES staring at herself in the mirror... see even she thinks she is a beauty... LOL! I love listening to her and watching her play with her toys. Sometimes she gets going so fast and her toys are just being flung around it is soooo cute. I love her!!!

very thankful

 I'm sitting here watching Teen Mom and I broke down. Seeing Farrah's daughter Sophia meeting her father's sister for the first time broke my heart. I couldn't imagine my children never knowing their fathers.

A lot has happened in the past between Pete and I. I honestly thought he would never come around and Kenley would never know her dad. I don't know what changed in Pete's mind... he says he doesn't even know... but I really am glad that he did. Seeing him with Kenley brings a smile to my face because seeing a father with his child is a beautiful thing. I know he loves her so much and would do anything in the world for her. He has made sacrafices in his life for her and has worked a job I know he hated so that he could be sure to provide for her. I think he is a wonderful father... whether he believes that or not and now I know I need to tell him that more often. Kenley deserves to have us both in her life. I hate seeing children that don't have both their mother and father... it honestly breaks my heart.

I know Justin and I never had the best relationship... and clearly things didn't work out between the 2 of us, but I thank God daily that Aiden has such a wonderful daddy. He re-enlisted in the Army when I was pregnant to be able to take care of his son. I know he didn't want to, but instead of being selfish... he did what he needed to do. That's a father. We don't always see eye to eye, but we do what we need to both be great parents. He calls Aiden everyday to talk to him and always tells him how much he loves and misses him. Aiden is the spitting image of his daddy too. Justin works very hard to see Aiden as much as he possibly can... he even plans to stay within a few hours of where I live when he gets out of the Army so he can see Aiden as much as he can.

I think men that choose not to be in their kids lives don't deserve to know their children and the kids are better off, but to think kids don't get to meet their dads because of different circumstances breaks my heart. I feel very lucky that both of my children will grow up with their fathers!

life since I last blogged... lol

Just figured I would get on here and give everybody a little update. I know I know... once again... I've been slacking. SMACK ME LATER!!!

Pete quit his job on Friday after he was offered a new job down closer to his mom's house... figures. Now I don't get to see him on the days he works at all. The only nice thing is he works 2 days on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 3 days off. He says on the days he is off he is going to spend his time here, so I guess we shall see. Things are still pretty up and down with us and some days it's getting so hard that I'm ready to throw in the towel, but I am trying. I think so much has happened in the past and I am having the worst time trying to get over it. I hate to have to admit it, but I think we may have to go and talk to someone that's neutral and doesn't know the situation. We could both get EVERYTHING that is bothering us out and not have to keep focusing on it. I really hope we can fix this on our own BEFORE it comes to that, but if not... I am willing to suck up my pride and do what needs to be done so we can BOTH be happy.

This past weekend was Heritage Days. I had a good time and got to see some people that I haven't see in a long time. There were some pretty neat booths this year too. I LOVED the one with all the girly things... tutus, headbands, hats, flowers, bows... I got quite a few things for Kenley... she looks soooo cute. She's already worn a tutu and her cute little hat. I also got her a sign for the door to her room and we got Aiden a some cute things.... mostly cars, go figure. Aiden also got to go on a pony ride... twice... and he LOVED it! Aiden also had a GREAT time at the parade. He got to see horses, tractors, "big trucks", he got candy... he loved it, what 2 year old wouldn't... LOL! Since Pete started his new job, he couldn't be there... it would have been PERFECT if he had. Oh well.....

We got a new kitten on Friday. My mom has ALWAYS wanted a Siamese kitten and she found some in the newspaper. She tried calling all day to be able to go and look at them, but no one ever answered. Finally around 640pm the lady called back and said that she had 1 female kitten left... which is what my mom wanted. We went and looked at her and she was adorable so we decided to get her. The ad said the kittens were $150 or best offer. Mom ended up paying $125. We wanted to let Aiden name her and orginally he said he wanted to name her Kitty PooPoo... hahaha... that was a total NO GO! He ended up picking the name Elmo for her... even though we tried numerous times to get him to say a different name. Elmo isn't too bad, so I guess it could have been worse. Aiden still hasn't figured out that she is smaller then him and that you can't carry her by her leg or neck, but he is getting better. He thinks he is being a good boy so it's really hard to get mad at him.

Moby Wrap and Blisters

So... I've been really wanting to get a Moby Wrap for a while now, but couldn't spare the extra money to go and get one. I found a Snugli on sale at Target for just over $6, so we got that and have been using it. Pete loves it... I HATE it. I think it's because of my body shape and the fact that when I wear it... it just feels funny. Well today we went up to Babies R Us to try and find parts to my breast pump... FAIL. Well we were walking around and happened to walk past the carriers and Pete stopped and picked up the Moby box. He asked if this is what I have been wanting and I said yes and turned to keep walking. He said, well do you want to get it? UH HELLO... OF COURSE I DO!!! I figured he was going to say we would have to come back or something... but NO... he handed it to me and said I deserved it. YAY!!! Don't know why he was sucking up (think it's because he got a new job and won't see us almost everyday like he has been), but I'll take it. So far the Moby is soooo much easier then I thought it would be. It's so comfortable and Kenley seems to like it too.... YAY! My mom looked totally confused when I asked her to help me out the first time.. LOL, but she got the hang of it with me.

Speaking of my breast pump... I woke up this morning with 2 lumps on my left nipple. At first I thought I had clogged ducts, but then I realized they were on the nipple... not the breast. Well yesterday when I pumped I noticed a little blood, but I thought I had some cracks or something and thats what caused them. OH NO!!! I was kind of freaking so I called the lactation consultant before I made a doctors appointment. She said it sounded like a blister, which are normally caused by improper latch or improper fitting pump... GO FIGURE. They hurt SOOOO bad. She said to massage the area and use heat, but don't be too rough with them and in time they will go away. BLAH!!!! They thought of feeding Kenley on that side is enough to make me want to throw up. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let it go away soon!!!

one of those days!!!

Today has been just one of those days. Nothing wanted to go right at all. First, Kenley woke up almost every 2 hours all night/morning and I was exhausted.... and of course... everytime she woke up she wanted to eat. Obviously, since I am breastfeeding I had to get up every single time. I was wore out by morning. Next, Pete just seemed to ignore me all damn morning. We don't get a lot of time together since he works from 230pm- whatever time they get done.... it varies day to day. I feel like he doesn't want to spend time with us, but does so that he doesn't have to listen to me complain. I think we need to have a talk. Next, I think Kenley is starting to get sick again. She's feeling really warm(not running a fever yet), is congested, and just over all MISERABLE! She doesn't want to be put down at all(I finally got her down after I let her fall into DEEP SLEEP on my chest, which I HATE doing). If she's not getting sick then I don't know what is going on. OF COURSE... all this had to start on a day when Pete wasn't coming over after work. Next, I miss my Aiden. It's only 2 more days until he gets home and with everything else going on it's been nice not to have the added stress maker(hehe), but he is my baby and the house seems too quiet without him. I know I'll probably take all this back when he is yelling, kicking the dog, throwing food, fighting me on sleep, etc... but right now I want him home... lol! Next, my ex husband is drinking and decides to make me his drunken phone call... SHOOT ME!!! We can hardly talk for 5 minutes without one of us yelling, and we really have NOTHING to talk about... but when he gets drunk he decides it's a good time to call and profess his undying love for me. Maybe if you had "loved" me like this when we were married and NOT cheated on me... we'd still be together. DUMBASS!!! I probably should shut up, get off the computer and get some sleep while Kenley is asleep, but go figure... now that she is out and I can sleep... I'M WIDE AWAKE!!! Like I said... it's been ONE OF THOSE DAYS!!!

Dancing With the Stars

I don't care what anyone says... I LOVE this show. Here is what I think of this season's "celebrity" cast:

Audrina Patridge- I have to say I was pleasently surprised... she can actually dance pretty well, but she still drives me nuts. I don't know what it is, but when she smiles... her teeth annoy me. LOL! I have to say though... physically she looks like a professional dancer... she has some ABS!!! She did well being the first one to dance. I would have peed my pants if that was me! One thing though... being a reality star does NOT make you a star in my eyes... but what do I know!

Kurt Warner- I am not a HUGE fan of sports so I can not lie.... before I saw him on the show... I had NO IDEA who he was. LOL! Pete thought I was kidding when I told him that... MY BAD! Anyways... he isn't a bad dancer. He didn't really do anything special to make him stand out, but he was ok. Unlike Audrina... if he is the sports "legend" people say he is then I think he deserves to be on the show!

Kyle Massey- I LOVE HIM!!! He is awesome. He is young, but boy is he one HELL of an entertainer. Even ALL the judges loved him. It was great. I remember him from The Disney Channel, but he doesn't look the same. I kind of hope he goes really far on the show because he is actually a good dancer and I think he is ADORABLE!!!

Rick Fox- I have to admit... I had NO idea he played basketball. I thought he was famous for being married to Vanessa Williams. HAHAHA... oops. That was another one that Pete made fun of me about. OMG is he TALL! I don't see how Cheryl Burke dances with him without her arms falling off. For his height he isn't too bad though. He's one I could care less if he left the show or stayed. OH and I had NO IDEA he was dating Eliza Dushku(sp?) until she stook up and starting rooting for him after he danced I googled it. =]

Margaret Cho- LOVE HER LOVE HER LOVE HER!!! I don't give a damn if she can dance... I think she is HILARIOUS. PLUS... the woman is covered in tattoos... I am DEFINATELY rooting for her. The judges didn't like that she added comedy to such a STUFFY dance, but I LOVED it!!! It put a little bit of her into it.  I hope she doesn't leave tonight!!!

Brandy- She was another one that first of all I think deserved to be on the show and second could actually dance. I mean she has to have a little bit of dance experience being a singer, but I guess that doesn't always mean anything. She's also lucky and got one of the hottest partners. It's kind of nice to see Brandy back... I haven't seen much of her in the last few years!

Bristol Palin- I don't think she has ANY right to be on the show. She is not a star in any way shape or form (in my opinion). She was the daughter of a Vice President canidate and she had a child as a teenager... how does that make you a star? PLUS I don't think she was a very good dancer, even though the judges seemed to like her. I guess it's only week 1... she might get better.

Florence Henderson- Man does Carol Brady cuss a lot... HAHAHA! For being 76 years old... I think she was great. She has some killer legs too. Hope my legs look that good when I am her age. LOL! She's another one that I think 100% deserves to be on the show, but she's also another one that I could care less if she stays or goes.

Michael Bolton- I kind of feel like he is only on this show because he is trying to get publicity for the tour he is also on. It seems like he could care less if he stays on the show. Maybe I am wrong and that's just how he carries himself, but I am entitled to my opinion... LOL! Plus, I think he kind of looks funny and I'm not sure why. He can sing though... not that it has anything to do with being on this show! lol

Mike "The Situation" Sorentino- I LOVE him on Jersey Shore... even if he's a douche, but the man CAN NOT dance. I think he tried to blame it on the fact that he had less days to practice, but its no one's fault but his own. I think he is another one that's not a STAR... but he's fun to watch nonetheless!

Jennifer Grey- She doesn't look like the "Baby" I remember from Dirty Dancing, but she still has the moves. I LOVE her. I can see why she was cast in Dirty Dancing in the first place, she is great. I am sure someone will come out and say it's not fair that she is on this show since she CLEARLY had ballroom dance experience, but I don't care. She's one I hope makes it to the end.

David Hasselhoff- I don't like him AT ALL!!! He's an idiot. Yes he is probably one of the few that actually is a "star" and deserves to be on the show, but his face and the sound of his voice drive me NUTS!!! UGH... please send him home!

On a totally seperate note.. Brooke Burkes boobs are CRAZY!! They don't move!! And the saddest part of all of it...I NOTICED! hehe

LoVe

"We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved."

This quotes sums up EXACTLY how I feel. I think I will ALWAYS have these fears. I have been hurt sooo many times, by so many people and I just don't want to go through it all again. I know I shouldn't push people away because I am scared... but sometimes I have it in my head that if I push people away FIRST... they can't hurt me. If I keep that up I will ALWAYS be alone. I started a fight with Pete last night... and I will admit... I STARTED IT! I wasn't WANTING to fight with him, but when he wouldn't listen I started getting more and more angry and evetually exploded. I just was trying to be honest with him (no I will NOT go into detail right now) and I felt like it BLEW UP in my face. I thought things were find this morning and then he treats me like crap again. He just doesn't seem to get it. He says I blame things on hormones, but its TRUE. He thinks that once I had Kenley, all the hormones went away. NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!! There are days that I feel my hormones are worse NOW then they were while I was pregnant.

Pete says he loves me and I want to believe him, but it's hard. Here's the story. I met him in Septemeber 2009 and I thought things were great. I thought we had a good relationship. I told him I loved him and he said it back to me. Well right before I found out I was pregnant with Kenley, he admitted he never really wanted to be in a relationship with me, he had been using me to get what he wanted. What a slap in the face. When I told him I was pregnant with Kenley he said he wanted to make things work. Well 1 week later he stopped talking to me and only spoke to me a few times during my ENTIRE pregnancy. He didn't come back around until after she was born. So can anyone really blame me for being afraid that he is just telling me what I want to hear AGAIN to get what he wants? I love him... I really do and I want us to be together. I'm just not sure how to make the fears go away... WITHOUT giving up on our relationship. Pete keeps telling me he is different, and he is... but is he different enough to make me feel like I can trust him fully? =[

IM SUPER EXCITED!!!

I absolutely LOVE to read and have to say my favorite author (or at least one of them) is Nicholas Sparks. So I can't even BEGIN to tell you how excited I was when I saw he had a new book out at Wal Mart. I literally RAN over to it and grabbed it off the shelf. Pete HAD to have thought I had lost my mind. I just told him I needed it... LOL! GO FIGURE... he had forgotten his wallet at home, but promised me after we finished helping my mom we would go get me the book. I am happy to report that he KEPT his promise. YAY YAY YAY! I love all of his books and 9 times out of 10 they make me cry, but that's just fine. I am surprised I haven't already ripped it open and started reading. I think the only thing stopping me is Pete is watching college football and he is sooooo loud. LOL! Once everyone is in bed... if I'm not too tired myself.. I'll pull my book light out and start to read. It's been a while since I have enjoyed a good book, so I am hoping this one is as good as the rest of his books. I think I just have a hard time getting enough time to myself to relax and read a book. I think I might have to make Pete keep an eye on Kenley while I take a nice bath anfd read. HMMMM.... I might have to get on that one... like NOW!

Under the Sea....

1. Do you like seafood?
I like some. I absolutely LOVE popcorn shrimp. I swear I get horrible cravings for it sometimes!!! NUMNUMNUM!!!


2. Are mermaids hot?
uh.... maybe if they were real. I dont know though. A gorgeous man with a fish body would be cool to see, but a little strange at the same time. =|

3. Have you swam in the ocean?
I have... I have even swam where the movie Jaws was filmed. That actually scared the CRAP out of me. I know it was fake, but it was scary nonetheless. I'm not a big fan of the ocean though.... I don't know how to swim as it is and the ocean is a LARGE body of water!!!

4. If you got stung by a jellyfish, would you let a stranger pee on you?
NOOOO!!! I had a friend get stung by one and they DID have someone pee on them and it didn't work. It may be different for me, but the whole thought of somone peeing on me grosses me out.

5. Have you ever pee'd in the ocean?
GUILTY!

6. Can you make a cute fish face? (Show a pic..if you want)
Not as cute as Kenley's fishy face!

7. When you see the lobster tank at the grocery store do you just have this overwhelming urge to set them free or cook them up?
None of the grocery stores around where I live have lobster tanks. They do have one at Red Lobster though and I always feel bad for them. Maybe that's why when I go to places like that I can NOT eat lobster!

8. Are you afraid of sharks?
I am. After seeing Jaws for the first time it made it worse. I was even afraid to swim in the pool! =]

ALMOST THE WEEKEND!

It's finally Friday and thank GOD for that.

Poor Buggie was up and down all night crying. It was horrible. I don't know if it was because of her shots or not, but she was just plain miserable. Not much that I tried to do to comfort her really helped and I was ready to jump out a window. She is better this morning, but still wimpers when I move her legs to much. I HATE getting shots for my kids, but I know it's for the best(in my opinion) and I'll do what I have to do. The good thing was Kenley didn't end up with a fever or anything after the shots. That would have been just one more thing to add to the mess. Pete will be here tonight, so I am HOPING tonight will not be a repeat of last night and if it is... at least me and Pete can take turns getting up with her. He's off this weekend, he can be helpful!

Aiden leaves for his daddy's this afternoon for a week. He needs some time with his daddy and I have to help my mom move things out of my grandpas house(he's now in a nursing home). Trying to do anything with Aiden running around is a lot more work then it needs to be. His new thing is running into the road... no matter how much we tell him not too. It's getting bad. I am SOOO afraid one of these times a car with come and take him out. I'm hoping Justin can make him stop because Aiden will NOT listen to me at all. When he hit the terrible twos.. he hit them hard and he has been quite the handful. Like right now... he is sitting on the floor, staring at me, and just screaming on the top of his lungs for no reason. OH JOY!!! Justin is usually the firmer one when it comes to discipline... so I am REALLY hoping he can get Aiden out of this FUNK he is in. I love my son, but that boy is driving me INSANE!!!

I think one of the sides to my breast pump has a leak in it. When I use it I can hear some air leaking out and can't pump a whole lot out... it's really frustrating. Well I found the other side today and I dont hear any air leaking out, so I dont think it's the tubing. I went up to Babies R Us the other day, but they didn't sell the extra parts for my pump... GO FIGURE... so now I have to look online. Normally I can get 3-5oz from EACH side and the last few days I have been able to get a total of about 3oz combined. UGH! I am SERIOUSLY running low on my stash in the freezer, like 4 bags left, so I NEED to start getting my stash back up. I am trying to find a job and don't want to get an offer and not be able to take it because I have no breast milk stored. THAT WOULD SUCK!

Well that's all I have for now. I might write again this afternoon if I have anything I deem NECESSARY to share with you all =]

Kenley's 2 month well baby checkup.

Kenley had her 2 month well baby check today. It all went well I think. She is now 10lbs exactly and 23.5in long. She is only in the 40th percentile for her weight, but she is continuing to gain well, so the doctor says she will catch up in no time. =] She has something call tracheomalacia which is basically the flap of skin over the trachea isn't fully matured and collapses when air goes through and causes a weezing/whistling noise. Nothing to worry about and something she will surely grow out of. YAY! Then came the shots. I could have died. She took the first shot like a champ... let out a little wimper, but wasn't overly bothered. Then came the second shot and she screamed bloody murder. By shot three I was in tears... I think I was crying harder then she was... lol. Thank GOD Pete was there, I don't think I could have done it. Once Pete picked Kenley up and cuddled her, she calmed down... but I just felt HORRIBLE! She seems fine now, maybe sleepy... but not to different from her normal self. Let's see how tonight/tomorrow go. All in all I have a healthy baby girl and that makes me one happy mommy!!!

wish someone had told ME before I became a mom....

Before motherhood, I wish someone had told me to:




1. Enjoy sleep. Nap. It’s a luxury that becomes a necessity you never seem to have enough of. Buy nice sheets. Roll around in them. Spend a whole day in bed. The next time you do it, you’ll be comforting a feverish, puking child and that’s not nearly as enjoyable.



2. Appreciate your body now. As flawed as it may be, after children it will be worse. Droopier, stretched out and mushy.


3. Drive a fun car. A convertible or a Beetle. I had a CONVERTIBLE BEETLE and now it's sitting pretty at the dealership. I haven't upgraded to the "mom van yet" though, so I'm doing good!



4. Travel with your significant other. Family vacations are wonderful, but not the same. And finding someone to watch the kids? NO BUENO!



5. Eat out at really nice places. Indulge in a five course meal. Chew your food. Savor it. Soon you’ll be dining at chain restaurants scarfing down left over grilled cheese. If you’re lucky enough to get to a nice restaurant once you have kids, you’ll be paying the equivalent of an extra meal in babysitting fees. Linger.



6. Do things spur of the moment. Jet off somewhere at the last minute, with nothing but the clothes on your back. Have an impromptu adventure. Once you have kids you’ll need to plan everything.



7. Call in sick to work and use the day for yourself. Moms never get the day off, and you’ll make up for that sick day ten fold by caring for sick children when you are indeed yourself, sick.



8. Spend money on yourself. Invest in some really great forever items, because once you have kids the trade off will not seem worth it. You’ll calculate the number of diapers you could buy for the cost of those designer sunglasses. Buy them now and wear them later.



9. Pee with the door shut. It will be years before you get to do that again.



10. Under-appreciate your parents. Roll your eyes at them. Question their actions and judgment. Tell them they don’t know everything. Once you have kids you’ll have a new-found appreciation for them, and discover that they know a lot more than you gave them credit for. Ignorance is bliss.

feel like I've neglected my blog!!!

I just wrote a post on Friday, but I feel like I have been going to long without updating my blog. I am going to do my best from now on to keep up with it, but with 2 kiddos... its easier said then done.

My little girl is changing so much and getting so big. Where is the time running off to? She is smiling more, playing more, "talking" to us more... she's getting to the age where is interacts and I am having so much fun with her. Saturday was a HORRIBLE day for her. All she wanted to do was scream... all day... unless she was being held and rocked. It was horrible. Thank GOD Pete was here or I might have lost my mind here alone. It only lasted the one day and she was back to her beautiful, smiley self the next morning. I think my poor baby was having a hard time going potty and it was hurting her. Broke my heart. Thursday is Kenley's 2 month well baby checkup. I have mixed emotions about it. I am excited to see how much she has grown and how she is doing, but I HATE the fact that she has to get shots. I feel horrible standing there while someone sticks needles into my little babies legs. BOOO!!! Hopefully they won't take forever and they'll get the shots done before Pete has to leave for work. I just hope everything with her is going/growing(lol) like it's supposed to and that I get a PERFECT report back from her doctor. I haven't noticed anything not going well, so I'm not too worried!!! =]

Aiden is still being himself... nothing has changed there. I swear, when he hit the terrible 2's... he hit them with enough force to knock over an elephant. He is just plain ROTTEN! He doesn't listen very well and gets into EVERYTHING. I am doing the best I can, but with Kenley AND Aiden I get overwhelmed quite a bit when I am here alone. I swear... Aiden always decides to act up when I am in the middle of nursing his sister. LOL! He can be in the other room and it's like he just senses it... LOL! He still has his moments when he is sweet.... usually in the mornings. He LOVES to check on his sister and sing her Twinkle Twinkle. He HATES when she cries and makes sure someone helps her when she does. He will cuddle up to me every once in a while too... which is one of the things I miss the most about when he was a baby. I can't belive my little man is already over 2 years old. I remember back when I thought he was never going to walk or talk or HECK even CRAWL... and now he is doing it all!!!

Things with Pete are going good as well. Are biggest problem is we just don't talk to each other. I talk to him more then he talks to me and it gets REALLY frustrating. He says I am hard to talk to and I'm sure I am, but if he wants this to work... he has to open up to me. He has been getting better at it and he is LIGHT YEARS from where he was, but I just hope it continues to get better, so things don't just go back to the way they were. I just can't believe I have known him for over a year and we are just now REALLY getting to know each other. NO, we did't do things the "correct" way. Kenley wasn't planned and we had only known each other a few months, but we are working are butts off to make it better now... so NOBODY has the right to judge us. There is still a TON that we need to work on, but it will take time and I have plenty of it, so I'm taking my time.

I am FINALLY getting back to feeling like myself. Yes, I still have the "pooch" in the front of my belly, but I am only 9lbs from my pre-prego wait. It bothered me for a while that I couldn't fit back into my pre-prego jeans, but I finally just realized that it may NEVER happen and I think I am FINALLY ok with that. My sister gave me some jeans that I feel GREAT in, so now I just need to go and get me some shirts that will make me feel the same way. I have been STILL wearing a lot of my maternity shirts, since I am breastfeeding and my "girls" are INSANE!!! LOL! I think the main reason I haven't felt like myself is because of the breastfeeding. It's hard for your body to feel like your OWN when it's being used to feed someone else. I am so glad that breastfeeding has gone as great as it has and I have had no problems feeding Kenley, but it's hard to feel like yourself while doing it. Maybe that's just my feelings on it, but that's just how I feel. I hope I continue to feel this way about myself and I don't start looking down on myself again. Pete has been helping me feel good too, so it's been really nice.

Sorry this has been so long, just wanted to give an update on pretty much EVERYTHING in my life... ENJOY and I'll hopefully "talk" to you all soon!!!