FAIL!!!

Well to start off... I had a great time grabbing dinner with my highschool buds. I haven't seen a lot of them in quite a while so catching up was really nice.

Now to the FAIL part. I went out to a bar/club last night. I thought getting out and being around a bunch of people would help keep my mind off things. There was an 80's style band that was awesome so I figured I would have a great time. I wasn't drinking since I breastfeed and I didn't have enough milked pumped. Anyways... my friend was drinking, so I was pretty much just sitting around. Everywhere I looked I saw couples and I about lost it. I just wanted to go home, but I knew it was my friends first time there and i didn't want to ruin her time. Once I took her home and got back to my house I just broke down. This wasn't how the night was supposed to go. I miss Pete so much... more then I thought I would. I wish things were different. I refuse to sit here and blame everything on him because I did things wrong too, but this is so wrong. It shouldn't be this way. UGH!

hello 3 am....

I can't believe I am still awake. Kenley is sleeping away and here I sit not being able to get the stupid shit off my mind. I knew that this was going to eat away with it. No matter how hard I try all I can think about is Pete. I won't lie... I miss him like crazy. I miss having him next to me, kissing me, talking to me, playing with Kenley.... all of it. I'm sure over time the memories will fade, but I'm not sure I want them to. I am so in love with him and I feel like he doesn't even care. How did it take 6 months to realize you weren't ready for a relationship? Was I being used this whole time? I just don't know what to think. Worst part of all is he won't even talk to me. He is completely ignoring me. I just don't understand and I'm not sure I will ever get the answers I need. How do you get closure if you have all these un-answered questions? I know I need to give it time and see what happens, but I just can't shut my brain off!

Precious Gift

I found this poem online... and with everything going on right now... it just seemed perfect!


When times seem too hard to bear & I l feel like giving up
I vision your beautiful face, the twinkle of your eyes and things of such
The bond we created from my womb to the day you were born
Is a mother and daughter bind that can never be torn
With the strength and guidance of God and the blessings he pours down from above
I want to be the best mom I can be to you and embrace you with all my love
You are as precious as a flower and as gorgeous as a rose
You have been specially made to the very tip of your nose
You are as sweet as honey; such an innocent young child
You are brighter than any star in the sky every time you smile
I want you to be proud of who you are and strive to be the best
Put forth your efforts to achieve your goals and let God do the rest
I will always be your mother first, but I'm also your friend
Your are the most precious gift, that I've ever been given

With All My Love,

Mommy


Source: (Do not remove) Precious Gift, Mother Daughter Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/family/poetry.asp?poem=1950#ixzz1BdU5XcL3

I need to pick myself up!!!

I'm going to be strong for not only my kids, but for myself. Don't get me wrong... I'm hoping Pete turns around and decides his family(us) is important to him, but I'm not going to him first. If we are really important like he claims then he needs to prove it. I know it will be hard on me not to pick up the phone and call/text him first... but I have to do this for myself. I need to prove to MYSELF that I can be strong. It hurts and yes I have been very emotional, but if we're not important to him then I need to hold my head up high and walk away. I'm sick of the broken promises and the clear lies that come out of his mouth. I do everything for this man and it's still not enough for him. So be it. Someday I will be EVERYTHING a man wants and Pete is going to realize exactly what he lost. I'm done being the only one trying to make a relationship work. If he doesn't want me then fine.... I am better off on my own!

1 step forward... 10 steps back!!!

Why is it when I think things with me and Pete are going great something happens? Is this God's way of telling me that we just aren't meant for each other or is this karma kicking my ass? I don't even know where Pete and I stand anymore. We had a huge fight yesterday that I thought was resolved, but apparently I was DEAD wrong. He even said he didn't care if he lost me and Kenley. He should never have come into Kenley's life if he was going to walk right back out of it. He is not going to hurt my babygirl like he has me this past year and a half. He will not be a dad when he feels like it or be a boyfriend when he feels like it for that matter. I don't know what to do anymore. He says we will talk tomorrow, but I know him. I will get some excuse tomorrow why he can't come and talk to me. Im really thinking it's time for me to get a lawyer and do what I should have done back in July. I have no idea why this is happening again, but it's got to stop!

Oh Insomnia... how I HATE you!!!

I have no clue why it is almost 2 am and I can't sleep. Well I sort of do... I took a late nap and it's just messed me up. I hate it... I used to be able to take naps and have NO problem falling asleep at night. Wish I could be little again where naps were a GOOD thing!

Well anyways I figured it would be a good time for an update since I am awake anyways!!! =]

-I've been doing really good. I WISH I had some more things to do to keep me busy... things besides the kiddos. I try to take some time for myself when it's nap time or a night when the lil ones are asleep, but I am usually so tired at that point I just want to lay down with them.
-I still can't decide if I want to get a job or not. I guess if I can find one that fits what I want I would take it. I have applied for a few part time jobs so I guess we will see if it happens.
-I am so proud of myself that I have been able to get back down to my prepregnancy weight... well lower. I haven't been trying to lose weight, but I guess I was just one of the lucky women who was able to lose weight with breastfeeding. No complaints here.

-Aiden has been with his dad since the beginning of the month and I miss him like CRAZY! I know that he needs to spend time with his dad, but when he is gone I miss hime like CRAZY! It's soooooooooooooo quiet around here and the quiet drives me up the wall. Thankfully I get to talk to him all the time or I wouldn't be able to handle it.
-I've been thinking a lot about Aiden's birthday. I can not believe in like 5 months(ish) he will be 3 years old. I remember everything like it was just yesterday. He's not a baby anymore and it sort of makes me sad. I LOVE watching him grow, change, learn new things... but it's a bitter sweet feeling. I couldn't wait for him to grow up and now I want it to stop... LOL!

-I can't believe my little girl is already past the 6 month point. Where has the time gone? She has 6 teeth already, eats baby food, is trying to crawl, is starting to crawl... it's all so much so quick. I don't know if I will have any more kiddos, so I am trying to enjoy all the baby stuff and she seems to be rushing through it. I feel like I just found out I was pregnant. She has such an amazing little personality and I swear... I have never seen a child that is as happy as Kenley is. She is always smiling and laughing... it's amazing. She has truely blessed my life and I am one proud/lucky mama.
-Just like with Aiden... I have been thinking A LOT about Kenley's birthday party. I REALLY want her first birthday to be amazing. I know she won't remember it, but I will and I want there to be nothing but good memories. We shall see I suppose. I am not 100% sure what I want to do for it... only thing I know... there WILL be a bug theme, but did anyone expect anything else? HEHE!!!

-Pete and I are doing well. Don't get me wrong... things are FAR from perfect, but we are doing are best. We haven't been fighting as much and have BOTH learned to communicate with the other person. I am doing a lot better then he is, but I know it's hard for him to open up and he is trying extremely hard and I am very proud of him.
-He finally got an offer for a job that is NOT through a temp agency. We are both really excited about it. Only problem I have with it is I am hoping he talks it through with me before he just takes the job. Pete has a habit of doing things that work for HIM and not factoring me, Aiden and Kenley into the equation. From what they told him on the phone it sounds like it will be PERFECT. I am really happy for him and I REALLY hope it all works out. He has been looking very hard(as have I for him) for a job and I know this takes A LOT of stress away and maybe things will get even better between us. PLUS... We are really hoping to get a place of our own soon and this job will DEFINATELY be a step in the right direction.

Well that's all I have for you all now. On a closing note... I am watching True Life on MTV and it's about fetishes. The guy with the foot fetish is NUTS!!! Just saying... =]

snow, earache and Sex and the City.... OH MY!

-Pete started a new job yesterday. It's in Columbus, so he is A LOT closer everyday and the hours are nice... 530am to 3pm. I get him allllllllllllllllllll afternoon! YAY!

-It's snowed quite a bit the past few days so of course I don't want to go anywhere. Kenley and I have NOT changed out of our pjs the last few days... we have changed into a different pair though... hehe!!!

-I went to bed last night with a HORRIBLE sore throat! Woke up in the middle of the night and my ear was throbbing and I woke up this morning to a bloody nose. YAY!!!! I'm such a liar. I'm really hoping it goes away VERY VERY quickly because I don't want to get sick. PLUS... Kenley gets her shots tomorrow and I don't want to be sick when she is fussy from shots. Pete is off tomorrow so maybe it will all turn out ok.

-My neice is 1 today. I can't believe it's already been that long. My sister is pregnant again too. CRAZY!

-I am soooooo glad I have all 6 seasons, plus both movies of Sex and the City. I LOVE this show and since I'm not feeling well it's nice to lay in bed and cuddle with my bug and watch one of my FAVORITE shows!

Randomness/Boredom!!!

1. Where were you born?

In a hospital... duh! HA!!! Ok fine... a HOSPITAL in Rochester, New York.

2. Toilet paper..do you crinkle/crumple or fold it?

hahaha... I've honestly never paid that much attention so I am going to say crumple it.

3. What was the last movie you saw in the theater?

Oh wow!!! Ummmm......I want to say Vampires Suck, but I think there may have been a more recent one. Pete's napping and I just can't think right now. Oh well!

4. What room to you spend the most time in besides your bedroom?

The living room I guess... but I spend A LOT of time in my own room!

5. Would you be grossed out if you found out your husband/boyfriend/significant other hadn't brushed their teeth for 4 days and you had been snogging (kissing) them?

Probably so. I'd more then likely smack him upside his head.

6. Do you fold your underwear?

No... its thrown into a basket with my socks. I don't have much room to put things so I do what I have to do. Besides... I'm lazy!

7. What is one goal you would like to achieve this year?

Get my own place. I don't know if we(Pete and I) will be able to do it, but we both REALLY want it!

8. What is your favorite month/least favorite month?
Favorite month is June... its the month Aiden was born and I love the weather and I HATE January... holidays are over and its just yucky cold!

I just don't understand...

...why are soooooooooo many people soooooooooo against breastfeeding? I understand that breastfeeding is not for everyone, but why are some people "bothered" by it. I am not going to hide everytime I am out and about with my daughter and she needs to eat. I use a cover and you can't see anything at all and people STILL want to complain about it? The next time someone tells me to feed her in a bathroom I'm going to tell THEM to eat THEIR food in the bathroom. I'm so sick of such negativity surrounding ALL of it. Even FACEBOOK is deleting groups intended to SUPPORT women who choose to breastfeed! It's all getting ridiculous. I'm glad I have WONDERFUL people in my life that completely support my choice to breastfeed.... I just wish more people would!

I think it's time...

I have throuroughly enjoyed being home with Kenley and Aiden these past months, but I think it's time to try and find a job. I have been living with my parents and Pete with his mother and we would like to get a place together and we just can't do it on his income alone. He works very hard to provide for us and does a good job, but we would both like to live together. I will NOT put my children in daycare so I will only accept a job where I could work afternoons/evenings(my mom works mornings so she could watch the kiddos). The reason I am against day care is 1: Im sick of hearing all the horror stories on the news about children at daycare and 2: the cost. If I had to pay for daycare it would basically be pointless for me to even work. Part of me does NOT want to work because I want to be the one to see all of Kenley's firsts, but I know in the long run going back to work is the best idea. Bittersweet!!!

2011

Posting my first blog of 2011 and it happens to be blogpost number 50.

I hope 2011 is a great year for me. Not that 2010 was all bad, but it had parts that were CRAP!!! I can't believe how much life has changed this past year. As I sit here and type this... Aiden and Kenley are playing together. My daughter has made my life so much more complete. I can't believe in about 9 days she will be 6 months old. I feel like I just had her. It makes me kind of sad that her birth year is gone, but excited to watch her grow. I also can't believe Aiden will turn 3 this year. I remember thinking he was never going to start walking and talking and now we can't make him stop. LOL!!! He is such a little ham!!! I'm hoping this go good with Pete in 2011 also. We have DEFINATELY had some ups and downs this past year, but I'm ready to keep it in 2009-2010 and move on.  I love him and thats not going to change!!!

I dont have too much to say right now, but I will say I PROMISE to keep my blog MUCH more updated. I saw I only had TWO posts in December... DESPICABLE!!! =]